It all starts  when im the only one home. Theres no one there to stop me from eating and even though i know the consequences i do it anyway and the next morning i get yelled at i say i want to change but then the next instance when theres no one home i do it again and i want to stop but i think i have a problem. i think i am a compulsive overeater.

 The first time i purged was when my first born child was one. Her father left me on mothers day, i had not been able to loose the baby weight ,and i feelt like i was alone,fat,and no one would ever want me....throwing up worked. I lost weight, got my life on track. had a new boyfriend, my husband wanted me back and life went on.
 twelve years, three more kids, a divorce and a continued issues with bulimia later....here i sit.
now I'm 32. Over the years i have been Able to walk away from it when i feelt it had served its purpose. I would go years with out purging. I would loose weight, and feel good. no need to purge. thn somethng will crop up, whatever it may be. loss, grief, sadness, anything negative. then i would eat,and eat and eat. then feel worse,and worse. now I know its out of control. I feel sick.  feel like im dying. I dont want to leave my kids. I dont want to leave his legacy.
I have told my boyfriend of eight years about the bulimia. he doesnt know what to do any  more than i do. he just ignores it. And most the time i try to hide it. 
I tried to talk to my mother,and he response was " no wonder your teeth are so bad. you shouldnt bake as much as you do  " then she left me hanging.
I feel totaly alone with this terrible burden...and idont know what to do.

Tricia,

Welcome back!  We had some problems with hacking a few years ago, but it has been running pretty smoothly since then.  I hope you'll find the support you need here!

MM

A while back i
couldn't get on
mirasol. i didn't
know that somebody
had hacked into the
site. It was really
upsetting because i
did not know why i
could not use my
only support system i m glad that i can
now come back

Every anorexic's worse fear came true for me. I recovered, but I gained back all the weight I had lost within one year. While anorexic, I had a very difficult time eating meals like a normal person. I feared that if I began eating "normally" that I wouldn't be able to stop. I was right. I would eat and eat and eat... until I couldn't fit anything else in me. I did this without purging for a while (because I was unable to). I felt so terrible about myself. I would go up to 3 days without eating.  I haven't purged in a while though. My studies at college have occupied my mind, but I fear I will relapse once I am out of school (in 2 weeks). How can I get this off my mind?

Hi,
I've suffered anorexia as a senior in highschool but recovered once I went to nursing school (It's been almost two years and I just turned 20). I decided that I needed to focus intently on my studies and I was able to give up the bad habit. I'm worried now that I'll be graduating that I'll fall back into anorexia. It's always on my mind, but when focusing on school work, it's easy to resisit. What can I do to prevent relapse once I'm back at home and out of school?

i just created a blog, http://hal1986.blogspot.com/ i decided to blog each day of recovery. im going to rehab may 1st, and i want to record my thoughts and feelings as i go through as something to look back on, and something maybe other people can relate to too. you can write in anonymously if ya want, but i would love to hear your feelings, or thoughts, or maybe connect to your blog if you have one! im just feelin kinda lonely and lookin for a little support out there.. please visit

Hey everybody, I'm new to the site so I dontt really know how to start, but I have been struggeling through eating disorders right and left way too long by myself and finally just decided I need some support, I need too talk to others with my problem..not my skinny best friend…i haven't been Able too eat for about the last. Week again and before that I had beenn purging for a couple weeks again..I'm currently making a dress in fashion class at my college and I pinned the muslin sample together today..and I layed it around me. I don't think the dress will fit when its done. we are making them to fit our dress forms and looking at the forms seeing how slim and tiny they are then knowing I'm not..its hard. I am going into the fashion industry..with my designs and my modeling but I'm afraid to because I know it will be torture on me seeing all these tall skinny lean girls. They say oh models don't look like real people because its a fantasy world in fashion design..but adorning all those tall pretty girls with beautiful clothing and jewelry and ect...what doees that do to us as human beings. Children look up to them..teens want to be them...and we compete with them. I hate this

Hey guys. i have been bulimic for about 8 months but have been suffering from an ED for about 3 years. I wrote a letter to my ED that i want to share with you guys. It about the love/hate relationship i have with it, and right now, i need it in my life and i hate it. feedback would be great. thanks

Dear Ed,
I hate you. you make me hate myself, and make me feel resentful, and guilty for my actions. i cant escape you. i want to but i know that you make me feel comfortable, you tell me that its okay that i am eating a bad snack because i will get rid of it later. u make me feel so alone, like no one cares, and you make me want you and need you and no one else. i try to fight against you but it doesnt work. when im not preoccupied by school, swimming, or work, then you take over and i let you. i close myslef off and let you, a safe harbor, take over. You make me depressed and unmotivated. i try to get out of bed, but the only place i know where to go is to the kitchen, and then the bathroom. i try to get things done to distract myself, from me or you, but i cant ever get anything done. food makes me feel better sometimes if its not followed by extreme guilt. i feel guilty for everything. for not spending enough time with my dog, with my mom, with my friends. but you just keep taking me under. without you i could be okay, but with you, you help me get rid of some of the guilt wiht food, but just break me down when i try to be normal and eat normally. you make me look in the mirror and look at my stomach and thighs and see how ugly and fat they are. you make me weigh myslef and tell me that is should be 10 less than that. you make me doubt myself to the point where i get angry at my mom or anyone else who compliments me or tell me something different from what you are telling me. you make me want to cut when my mom is trying to take control. and of course i follow becuase its the only way i know. i want to learn a new way to deal with my emotions, but i know that i dont really wanna leave you behind, because you are all i know anymore. I cant even do minial tasks like emailing people like my swim coach because im so guilty that i was lazy and didnt go to swim practice, even though i may have been sick. sometimes you make me just want to give up. im fighting as hard as i can against you and trying to escape you, but i just giveup and bring my self back to you. i cant escape. youve made me separate most foods into unsafe and safe foods. sometimes the safe foods go into the other category and its hard to make myslef eat them. you tease me with bringing ana back where i know its so hard to restrict and i know i cant tdo it, so you make me be grateful that i have you and i can compensate for eating, with purging. when i finally am happy, i eat foods that make me happy, fattening gross, but soo delicious foods and when i feel full and disgusting,  you make me take a look at myself and i hate myself. i hate you, but i need you. i want to reach out to my friends, to be able to takl to thm, but i cant because i feell guilty for putting myself on them, i am such a weight that should not be put on anyone. a part of me does not want help at all and does not want to go to my appts. i want you to take control of my life becase i cant do it. you are already here and it doenst look like your going away so just stay.

needing help to survive. And hope I am doing this right. Well, I have eating disorders/complex. I don't eat enough, when I do eat, I'll eat more vegetables. I thought I had help with an eating disorder doc in Birmingham, AL, he said he would help when I got my blood sugar under control, I needed help then, and now. Hope a nutrionist or a new friend would want to help me, before it's too late. Right now my body is in Adrenal Exhaustion, can't help it. Please listen to my heart, need a new friend. Lonely56